I'm just going to give an overall update on the past year of my life.
I left my last post telling you about my one-night stand thing with Taylor. A few months later in February I saw him again. I went to his apartment and we had sex again. It wasn't as mind blowing as the last time, but it was still good. I think we were both a little self-conscious. Unfortunately that was the last time I saw him.
Last April I finally snapped and left the house. My mom's constant influx of men and drugs were just too much for me to take. I moved in with my dad and things got a bit better. I started school again in an attempt to get my High School Diploma before I got too old, doing online classes. I lived with him for 6 months and we made a plan to move to Oregon together. 3 weeks ago I moved back in with my mom while he moved up there first to get things set up. Right now he already lives up there, I'm looking forward to joining him next month.
Now to the bad news. In September I relapsed. I cut myself again, on two different days but in the same week. I told myself it wasn't so bad and moved on. Then, in October, it happened again. Twice. It's the beginning of November now and I've come to terms with the fact that I'm on the edge of a full blown back slide. After over two years of being clean I started cutting again, and it makes me feel like shit. I've also been fighting off serious depression.
Back in May I went off my anxiety medication. I did this for two reasons. One, I didn't have any health care and was worried about not having the medication when I needed it. And two, the medication took away my anxiety and replaced it with total depression. For a while that felt better, but I was completely unable to function. I wanted to start school again and accomplish things and I just couldn't do that with my current meds.
Right now, I feel kind of lost. I don't have anyone to talk to and I don't know what to do. My anxiety is back, this time with depression. Which is an issue I didn't have the first time I was diagnosed with a disorder. I want to see a doctor, but a part of me is scared to tell anyone. How bad does it have to get before I open up? Last time I tried to kill myself first.
When I tried to say something to my mom she just told me to wait, the new environment in Oregon will probably make me happier. My dad thinks the same. I just don't have the heart to tell them this is more then just sadness. This is something I've been fighting for a while.
I know I'm old enough now (turning 20 in a few weeks) to take care of myself and make good choices. But it's so hard, and I'm scared. I want to believe they're right. Maybe they are.
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There's so much in my head I don't even know where to start. I've been quiet on here for the past year and a half because I haven't really left my room in order to get any experiences. I'll just start with Today.
I woke up this morning and was immediately aware that my mom's new live in boyfriend (who moved in with us less than a week after they met because he was on the run and homeless, long story maybe I'll get into it later) was home, which, of course, set off my anxiety faster then being thrown on stage in front of a crowd. However, I forced myself to get up and assert myself into reality. He went back to bed shorty after I got up but that didn't help any because I knew he could still track my movements around the house and knew what I was doing.
I reminded myself that just 3 days ago something extraordinary happened and I did actually have a life and I should be doing something with it. So! I hopped on Google maps and tried to decide a destination, a place I could walk to and get out of the house. I finally decided on this little clothing store because I could really use a new pair of jeans.
That was when I realized I was battling some depression. I even went so far as to Google "how to want to do something" which didn't get me any good results.
I picked myself up, told myself I could do it if I just took it step by step, and took a shower. Got dressed. Brushed my hair. Finally, I managed to get myself outside. Step by step, I kept telling myself, step by step.
I met some issues along the way, my hair was acting funny and it was hotter outside then I had expected so I had to shed some la
I made it half a block.
Half a block.
Then, it got the better of me. What did? The depression? The anxiety? The heat, the dogs that barked at me, the fact that is was my first time out in over a year and I was going to buy new pants because I got too fat for the old ones? I don't know. The exact reason escapes me, but I do know that half a block in I suddenly couldn't go any farther and I had to turn around and come home.
That's been my day so far, It's almost 1 now. Maybe a little later I'll collect some strength and make my presence known in the living room. It's so hard to leave my room at all.
And a lot has happened. I attempted suicide back in July... I don't feel like talking about that right now. Instead what I want to talk about is how I feel right now. I'm afraid to go to bed. I don't want to turn out the lights and go to sleep because I'm afraid that when I do all the feelings will come back. With the lights on I can pretend and lose myself... but when I go to bed... Well I'm to scared to find out.
I want to cut so badly. It hurts not to. Crazy right?
My chest is tight, I can't breath. I'm rocking back and forth, trying to catch my breath. My God I don't even know what the trigger was! I want to tell someone. I want help. Please help me, I don't want to do this. How much longer can I say no? It hurts! So badly. If I cut the pain leaves. Please make it leave! I can't do it. But I can't not do it either! Oh no.
Ok. Don't scratch. Not the face, you'll leave marks. No pain. You can do this. Someone? Help? It hurts to bad to even cry. I need to make it go away. I can't breath. Help?
One breath at a time.
Watch the hands, no accidentally hurting yourself.
You can do this.
I wish there was someone I can talk too. Someone to talk me down. But it's not fair. To put this on someone else. I can overcome this. If I could just remember how to breath.
I need it.
And the knife's just over there.
But the shame. I feel it already.
I hate... everything.
Social-Anxiey-Disorder. I think I have it. I've never been officially diagnosed, but from everything I've seen it's the only thing that can discribe my symptoms. I'm lucky enough to have made friends one-on-one before everybody formed their opinions of me at school. I've been here a year and a half now and people think they know me. They think I don't have a personality and I don't have any interesting or original thoughts. I know this for a fact because I've had people tell me this to my face. There's not anything I can do about it either because how am I supposed to explain that I just can't talk to them? That when there's more then one other person around I feel like I've forgotten how to make my lips move? That my mind goes blank, or when I do think of something to say there's a tightness in my throat that wont let me say it? I can't, there's no way I can explain that without getting a worse name. Now don't get me wrong, it's not all about reputation, but when you have to work on a project and they don't even bother consulting you because they think you'll have nothing at all to add, it hurts. I was hanging out with my best friend, she doesn't know what SAD is but if she did I have no doubt she'd look at me and go "That's you", and one of her other friends came up to us to talk. Naturally I forgot what I was saying in the middle of my sentence and just looked at the sky like an idiot. After walking around a little, she started teasing me about not having said one work for 10 minutes, then her friend said "Why don't you just leave? You're like a leech." Litterally, those were his words. I stoped walking, waited for her to say something, and when she just laughed? I did as I was told and left. I can't help that I can't talk, I wish I could! I wish I could show the world my opinions, my joaks, my thoughts, but I can't. I'm not a leech, but there's no way to prove it which leads me to believe that maybe I am a leech after all.
I tried biting my arm to keep from cutting. For a few days it was going great, I could control the pain and then there would be little to no marks. But when it hurts so badly that the feeling runs all the way through you body, and you can't lift your arm high enough to bite it, cutting is the only way to get rid of the feeling. So, back to the drawing board.
I think I'm done. I can't do it. I'm on the verge of a panic attack and I just don't know what to do. I just can't do school. I try to remind myself I'm only 17, but I feel like I don't even have legs to attempt to stand on. If there were two of me, and I told myself I wanted to quit school, my response would be "but you love learning!" and I do. I know I do, I love it in fact. I'm great at tests I've already taken 2 summer college classes and got a 4.0, on top of the score I really enjoyed it. But I just can't keep doing it, it's to hard. I know that's pathetic but I can't breath. My biggest issue with it? I have no other skills. I'm horrible with people, and don't even dream of any physical labor. My shot was being an intellectual, and now I'm saying I can't even do that? I've been raised in a household that violently hates people who are of no use to society. If I've got nothing going then I've got no use. If I've got no use then I'm a drag on society. If I'm a drag on society then I'm worse the scum. If I'm worse then scum then I should die because at least then I won't have to make people work harder then they already do. I have mooched 17 years out of the people around me, I want to pay them back but if I can't do anything then I can only make it worse. I want to say it would be better if i died now, but even if I were dead my debt would only increase. But it doesn't matter, because even though I keep trying, I attempt to always do my best, I just can't do it. People expect to much from me.
I know I only post here when I have bad news and am at the end of my rope, and I'm sorry for that. But the truth is, bad news and negitive feelings are the only things that stay the same. If I talked about the good things that happened I'd have to come back the next day and expaline what's happened that made it a really bad hing. And I know that sounds pessimistic but unfortunalty it happends to be the truth. That boyfriend I mentioned? The one who understood my cutting and helped me out so much? He's gone, compleatly out of the picture. Nothing good ever lasts.
And not in the fun way. I don't mean to be depressed, but I constantly fail at life. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to focus on any school work. For that matter I can't focus on anything. I can't tell a story properly and it's taken me 10 minutes just to write those two lines. I hate this! And I don't even know what's wrong with me. I wish I could just be back to the person I used to be. Before the cutting, before everything back to when I still had focus and desire. I don't want to die, I don't want to escape anymore, now I want to be here. But I can't enjoy it, it's like those "above the influence" commercials where it shows somebody (holy crap... creepy one of those came on just after I wrote that) leaving a part of themselves behind or being a puppet or something. I feel like that. The really sad part? I've never even done drugs, this is pure mental instability. Will I ever be normal? Or I'd at least settle for the person I want to be. It seems like those should be reversed, but the person I want to be isn't normal only strong enough to deal with what life throws at her.
And it's only 9:30am.
It was a week and three-ish days ago, Monday May 27th and I didn't realize until just now what had happened. The only way I can describe the experience is: I felt horrible, I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I wanted to sob but I couldn't, I wanted to just let it out but I couldn't. The only thing I could do was wish I could breath, because I couldn't even do that. And it lasted so long! I felt like forever all I could think was "not to loud, in and out, keep a tempo" but I couldn't my breath was halted and irregular.
With my father: we only talk about him ever. If we talk about me he doesn't understand. He doesn't like his life so every conversation is only him bitching. He hates his friends, his job, my mother, everything that breaks, and everybody that he comes in contact with because they don't worship him. It begins and ends with him bitching. He wants so much, he wants everything to be compleatly organized, he want to fly (be a pilot, not superman), he wants me to live out the things he failed at, and when I tell him I don't want that he tells me then I need to do something better. I need to become a millionaire, with an IQ of 250, and a happy family to please him. And a part of me understands that he just want's me happy in the future, but the problem is he doesn't even know me. He couldn't even tell you my favorite color, movie, tv show, what sports I like, nothing.
With my mother: she leaves. I see her and average of 4 hours total every week. She has work I have school, and she leaves on the weekend to go to her boyfriend's house. It works, the problem is when we do talk. She wants me to tell her what's going on, she pries on the stuff that worrys me then freaks out when I get frusterated. She goes and drinks, or smokes, or just leaves to go god knows where, and always leaves me feeling like every bad thing that happens is my fault. She doesn't care, now she knows some about me personality-wize, but as much as he doesn't know my dad cares more.
With me: it's always my fault. I get this from both parents. So all my life I have developed this habbit of apoligizing for something stuped that normally a person wouldn't say sorry for. It irritates my boyfriend I know and I have to stop myself from saying sorry for saying sorry. My "sister" (best friend, she know all about my parents and my life) thinks he's bad for me, but she will never stop it because I believe he's good for me, and because since I got with him (nearly 6 months ago) I've only cut about 4-5 times. He doesn't know that, I told him I stopped before we met, but that's ok I don't really wan't him to. And something I forgot to mention? My father is a heavy drug user, and my mother drinks nearly every night. So i'm caught between dealing with them, and trying to explain to all my friends why I never have or will be a "partier", which is because I've seen how it fucks up your lives, and you child's life.
Is it any wonder I am who I am?
It's been a very difficult... week? month? year? who knows? but I do know it's been real hard on me. Right now, for this moment in time, I feel ok. I'm still unhappy with myself, who I am, and how I look, but sitting alone in my living room without the social pressure and other people looking at me I feel ok. If I could make a life for myself like this where I didn't have to deal with everything I know I would be ok for good. But I know that's not possible, not possible for a poor/lower middle class girl who doesn't have any particularly outstanding skills to live a life without social interaction. For now though, for this moment, I'm alone, and I feel ok.
what is wrong with me? I can't do it! I just can't go out in public, why can't i just die. I don't want to hurt anyone, why can't I just disappear anonymously so that I don't have to live and no one has to hurt! I'm starting to panic. I have to cut. I'm sorry......
I am so fucking sick of my life! I just want out!! I'm fat, have bad grades, and nobody takes me seriously!! Do you think if I kill my self people will start taking me seriously? I already SI, but no one cares, should I just start on drugs? will that help anything? my grades? my image? no? then what the hell is the answer?! I'm even so sick of myself that I don't even want to do anything to help myself. So if my life doesn't get better on my own then, oh well I die. I'm not going to school tomorrow, I'm ditching, I didn't do my homework and I have no social connections. I take the bus to school, so if my mom's going to make me go then what the hell I'm ditching. I already told her that I'm not going, that I didn't do my homework. She said to just suck it up, but I really just don't care!
It's true, I put little X's on my calendar on the days I cut. Is that weird? It's sad really, and amazing, If I didn't keep track I wouldn't realize how often I do it. I'm cutting right now, because I need to do my Homework and I'm having trouble. That probably doesn't sound like a big problem but I used to be a straight A perfect student but for some reason I'm having trouble this year.
Previous PostsUpdate, posted November 8th, 2013
TAYLOR, posted November 12th, 2012
Today., posted November 12th, 2012
It's been a long time since I've written a blog... (Scared to sleep), posted December 24th, 2011, 1 comment
Make it stop hurting., posted July 10th, 2011
SAD, posted March 17th, 2011
Didn't work., posted March 9th, 2011
On the verge, posted January 30th, 2011
I suck., posted January 29th, 2011
Today., posted November 29th, 2010
My first panic attack, posted June 2nd, 2010, 1 comment
is it any wonder?, posted May 8th, 2010
temporarly ok, posted February 13th, 2010
suisidal thoughts?, posted October 11th, 2009
Venting, posted October 4th, 2009
I keep track, posted October 4th, 2009
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