Today. | mystickitty's Blog

There's so much in my head I don't even know where to start. I've been quiet on here for the past year and a half because I haven't really left my room in order to get any experiences. I'll just start with Today.

I woke up this morning and was immediately aware that my mom's new live in boyfriend (who moved in with us less than a week after they met because he was on the run and homeless, long story maybe I'll get into it later) was home, which, of course, set off my anxiety faster then being thrown on stage in front of a crowd. However, I forced myself to get up and assert myself into reality. He went back to bed shorty after I got up but that didn't help any because I knew he could still track my movements around the house and knew what I was doing. 
I reminded myself that just 3 days ago something extraordinary happened and I did actually have a life and I should be doing something with it. So! I hopped on Google maps and tried to decide a destination, a place I could walk to and get out of the house. I finally decided on this little clothing store because I could really use a new pair of jeans.
That was when I realized I was battling some depression. I even went so far as to Google "how to want to do something" which didn't get me any good results. 
I picked myself up, told myself I could do it if I just took it step by step, and took a shower. Got dressed. Brushed my hair. Finally, I managed to get myself outside. Step by step, I kept telling myself, step by step.
I met some issues along the way, my hair was acting funny and it was hotter outside then I had expected so I had to shed some layers. Small issues. I brushed them aside and took out my phone. I though maybe I could get a hold of somebody, then we could meet up and I wouldn't feel like I had to do it all on my own. I texted Taylor (more on him later) and my dad to see if either of them were busy. Taylor never responded and my dad said he was in an interview. 
I made it half a block.
Half a block.
Then, it got the better of me. What did? The depression? The anxiety? The heat, the dogs that barked at me, the fact that is was my first time out in over a year and I was going to buy new pants because I got too fat for the old ones? I don't know. The exact reason escapes me, but I do know that half a block in I suddenly couldn't go any farther and I had to turn around and come home.
That's been my day so far, It's almost 1 now. Maybe a little later I'll collect some strength and make my presence known in the living room. It's so hard to leave my room at all.